First Attempt Translation: Poetry/Song Lyrics

[Najaya Ka'ra]

So to help me learn Mando'a I decided to try my hand at writing some short and mildly repetitive- in this case song lyrics- to stimulate my learning experience. I learn faster by writing. Anyway, I noticed that there were no lullaby-styled songs in Mando'a (as far as I could see, I didn't think to look for poetry for some reason) so I decided to make some of my own. In this instance the song is tailored toward a child afraid of a bad storm, but it also can reflect on the "bad weather" that comes throughout life. The first part is my English version, the second my attempt at translating into Mando'a.

What I'm looking for is critique on the translation in general (most important priority) and an opinion on how this would relate to Mandalorian cultural accuracy. Please be honest; I'm used to constructive criticism and won't take anything personally! Thanks!

Stura Yiatr (The Weeping Sky)

Easy...

Easy...

It's gonna be okay...

Don't fear the lightning
Because it's just the sky hurting
I'll stay here beside you
Until night turns to day

The fire will warm you
Burn you and guide you
In the pain is peace
And in the storm is calm

Don't fear the thunder
Because it's just the sky shouting
I'll be here beside you
As through the years you grow

The water will cleanse you
Chill you and carry you
Though the current is strong
It can be wild then slow

Don't fear the rain
Because it's just the sky weeping
And know I'll never leave you
Wherever you go

And Don't fear the darkness
Because the stars always shine
And Don't fear the journey
It's how you live your life

Just remember I'll be there
And I'll guide you
Even if I'm far away
I'm with you to stay

So don't fear the the lightning
It's just the sky hurting
Don't fear the thunder
It's just the sky shouting

And don't fear the rain
The sky's weeping with you


Mando'a:

Udesiir...

Udesiir...

Suba era olyay cu'u...

Gara va chaab getsr
Yiatr kadala
Ni dabay temya'r gar
Akay ca nanu'a tuur

Tracyn malyasa'yr jarsida
Hettir bal hbina gar
O'r aaray olyay naak
O'r buurenaar olyay udesla

Gara va chaab orar
Yiatr orjorere
Ni malyasa'yr cuyir olar juaan gar
Vaal gar drashaar laam

Pirun cinarin
Katbarsida bal jorir gar
Ba'hak gter dral
Liser suba tubaoe miak katrakine

Gara va chaab pitat
Yiatr stura
Kart'aylir ni malyasa'yr draar daira
Biu apd gar slanar

Gara va chaab werda
Tyatr ratiin crita
Gara va chaab jupaor
Biasa'iaru gar oyacyir jibr

Partaylir ni olya ogir
Ni dabay hbinilyr gar
O' meh ni olya echoy'la
Ni cuyir ratiin ti gar

Gara va chaab getsyr
Yiatr kadala
Gara va chaab orar
Yiatr orjorere

Gara va pitat
Yiatr stura ti gar

[Vlet Hansen]

I honestly don't recognize most of these words, so it's hard for me to offer much help here. The one thing I noticed on a cursory examination was "orjorere," try just "orjore" or "orjor" istead, the final r is the part that gets dropped for what you want.

[Najaya Ka'ra]

Okay, thank you. I had a feeling that that word was incorrect but wasn't sure; I'll wait a bit for more replies before I do any serious editing

[ForceJudgement]

I tried reworking your lyrics to better fit the existing vocabulary we have. I used the Mando'a guide pdf by Tal'jair Mir'tad as well as the dictionary on mandoa.org by Kar'buir. I hope it's alright with you.

---

Old translation:

Udesiir...

Udesiir...

Suba era olyay cu'u...

Gara va chaab getsr

Yiatr kadala

Ni dabay temya'r gar

Akay ca nanu'a tuur

Tracyn malyasa'yr jarsida

Hettir bal hbina gar

O'r aaray olyay naak

O'r buurenaar olyay udesla

Gara va chaab orar

Yiatr orjorere

Ni malyasa'yr cuyir olar juaan gar

Vaal gar drashaar laam

Pirun cinarin

Katbarsida bal jorir gar

Ba'hak gter dral

Liser suba tubaoe miak katrakine

Gara va chaab pitat

Yiatr stura

Kart'aylir ni malyasa'yr draar daira

Biu apd gar slanar

Gara va chaab werda

Tyatr ratiin crita

Gara va chaab jupaor

Biasa'iaru gar oyacyir jibr

Partaylir ni olya ogir

Ni dabay hbinilyr gar

O' meh ni olya echoy'la

Ni cuyir ratiin ti gar

Gara va chaab getsyr

Yiatr kadala

Gara va chaab orar

Yiatr orjorere

Gara va pitat

Yiatr stura ti gar

---

My translation:

Udesii...

Udesii...

Slan'ven cuy oya...

Ke'nu'chaabi tra'nau

Jorcu shi tra kadala

Ni ven'cuyoli juaan gar

Akay ca cu'ami tuur

Tracyn ven'nadali gar

Hettir bal yustalir gar

O'r aaray cuyi naak

O'r buurenaar cuyi udesla

Ke'nu'chaabi orar

Jorcu shi tra orjore

Ni cuyi olar juaan gar

Sa adol simire gar drashaar

Pirun ven'cinari gar

Cirarir bal jorir gar

Su shon'dral kotyc

Lis nurmanyc projor niviin'yc

Ke'nu'chaabi pirun

Jorcu shi tra pir'ekula

Bal kar'taylir ni draar ba'slana gar

Anay'vaii gar slanar

Bal ke'nu'chaabi werde

Jorcu kara'se ratiin trani

Bal ke'nu'chaabi be'chaaj'taabar

Shi boru gar oyacyi gar oyar

Shi par'taylir ni ven'cuy ogir

Bal ni yustali gar

Su meg ni echaaj'la

Ni ti gar cuyolir

Ash ke'nu'chaabi tra'nau

Shi tra kadala

Ke'nu'chaabi orar

Shi tra orjore

Bal ke'nu'chaabi pitat

Tra pir'ekulo ti gar

---

Some new words I built on top of existing vocabulary:

Slan'ven - going to be (go-will)

Cirarir - to chill (to colden)

Pir-ekula - weep-like (from pir'ekulor - to weep)

Anay'vaii - wherever (every-where)

Be'chaaj'taabar - journey (from be'chaaj'taabir - to journey, travel)

Ash - so (from ash'ad - someone else)